1 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,000 I will pay for you to get a different ringtone. 2 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:12,960 You're not being useful, Steve. 3 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,800 Why does it need to be so loud? 4 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,840 Stop moaning and help me find it! 5 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,800 Oh, I don't get why you keep so much stuff in there. 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,240 I need it. 7 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,000 What?! 8 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,000 You need these? 9 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,520 Yes, I haven't finished them yet! 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,920 Why do you need a brush? 11 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,720 When do you need to brush your hair during the day? 12 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:39,880 When it's windy. 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,480 It's got bits of crisps in here. 14 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,400 You are filth! 15 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,760 - It's Paul. -Oh, God. 16 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,400 Probably wondering why we're not there yet. 17 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,120 Yeah. 18 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,360 I'll put it on silent. 19 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,840 Your call is in a queue, and will be answered 20 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,520 as soon as one of our advisers becomes available. 21 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,960 To make sure we've given you the best service we can, 22 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,800 your call may be monitored to help us with training. 23 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,800 - What's that? - Concealer. 24 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,200 Why do you need that, then? 25 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,920 - You're funny - Thank you. 26 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,000 Hello. Thanks for ringing... 27 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,800 Hello. 28 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,960 I'm Steve Marshall. 29 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:05,200 O...P...8. 30 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,960 E...1...7. 31 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,000 6...N...M. 32 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,720 No, N... 33 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,640 N for Nicholas. 34 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,000 M for Marcus. 35 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,640 Um... Mrs. Doubtfire. 36 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,760 Janet Brophy. 37 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,560 Oh, for God's sake... 38 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,520 - On hold again? - Yeah. 39 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,760 Why do you keep saying Mrs. Doubtfire? 40 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,560 Oh, it's a security check. Favorite film. 41 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,440 Your favorite film is "Mrs. Doubtfire"? 42 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,320 It's got some classic moments in it. 43 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,280 You're laughing just thinking about it? 44 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,560 She sets fire to her tits... 45 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,600 The lids. 46 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,080 It's a he. 47 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,960 Oh, for God's sake! 48 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,480 They're playing "Candle in the Wind." 49 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,080 They're starting to actually try and make me angrier. 50 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,120 Is it an annoying song? 51 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,120 What do you mean? 52 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,320 The song you're listening to, is it annoying? 53 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,720 What do you mean, the song I'm listening to? 54 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,120 The candle song, is it annoying? 55 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,520 What do you mean "the candle song"?! 56 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,200 It's "Candle in the Wind"! 57 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,680 "Candle in the Wind", then! Is it annoying? 58 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,120 What is this? 59 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,720 You know "Candle in the Wind" is annoying! 60 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,280 How am I supposed to know? I've never heard it. 61 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,440 - Yes, you have. - No, I haven't. 62 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,200 You've never heard "Candle in the Wind"? 63 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,080 No! 64 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,520 - Yes, you have. - No, I haven't! 65 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,720 It's by Elton John! 66 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,160 Like I listen to Elton John songs! 67 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,400 - What about when Diana died? - What about it? 68 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,080 It was the theme tune for her death. 69 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,200 I was 11, Steve. I didn't watch the news. I wasn't a geek. 70 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,000 It's not geeky to have heard of "Candle in the Wind." 71 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,240 What time is it? Are we late? 72 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,680 Don't change the subject. You're being ridiculous. 73 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,880 - Steve! - Yes, we're late. 74 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,440 You've been dicking about in the mirror for an hour. 75 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,480 I've been ready for ages. 76 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,360 Oh! Oh! 77 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,680 - What are you doing? -No! 78 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,960 Cramp, cramp! I've got cramp, I've got cramp! 79 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,640 You look funny. 80 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,560 Shut up. I'm in pain. 81 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,720 I think that's why you look funny. 82 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,120 Fuck, fuck, fuck! 83 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,960 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 84 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,560 You're going like that, yeah? 85 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,600 Yeah. 86 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,160 - It's a fancy-dress party. - So? 87 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,400 You're supposed to dress as something beginning with P. 88 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,600 I'm not going to dress up, I'd look like a dick. 89 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,880 You're supposed to look like a dick. 90 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,480 That's the point of a fancy dress party. 91 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,000 Luke's being a prick. 92 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,640 Making everyone go in fancy dress. 93 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,640 He's not being a prick. He's 6 years old. 94 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,360 That's prickish behavior. 95 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,800 - He's Paul's son. - Don't care! 96 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,240 He was in hospital. 97 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,760 I can't believe you've never heard of "Candle in the Wind"! 98 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,560 Just dress as something beginning 99 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,400 with P and shut the fuck up. 100 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,640 Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate! 101 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,200 Do you need your mouth open? 102 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,320 Yes. 103 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,680 Becks? 104 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,400 Yeah? 105 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:03,400 Do you find it funny that he's called Luke and he... 106 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,520 had leukemia? 107 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,920 No. 108 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,560 Get off! 109 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,680 You're not allowed to make jokes like that. 110 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,720 Well, it's not like he died, is it? 111 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,240 How's my spot? 112 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,480 Delicious. 113 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,000 Oh, if that is Paul, you are in trouble. 114 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,560 Sausage rolls! 115 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,080 Don't eat too many. 116 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,400 ♪ Sausage rolls... ♪ 117 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,600 Sorry, Dan, mate. Caught us at a really bad time, mate. 118 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,200 Paul's son's just come out of hospital today. 119 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,040 He's just beaten leukemia, and we're having 120 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,680 a fancy dress party for him, 121 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,600 and I'm helping out with the food. 122 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,480 So, thanks for calling round. 123 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,200 Notice anything different about me? 124 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,920 No. 125 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,440 Not wearing my glasses? 126 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,920 Oh, yeah! Cool. Well... 127 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,440 How do you think I can see? 128 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,280 - Don't know. - Contact lenses. 129 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,040 Contact lenses?! 130 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,160 Okay. Great. Thanks, Dan. 131 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,040 Do you think they'll work? 132 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:34,680 Yes. 133 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:38,320 I'm going to try and win back Anita with the new Dan. 134 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,840 What's wrong with the old Dan? 135 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,960 - Is that a serious question? - I don't think so. 136 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,760 What's the theme of the fancy dress party? 137 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,560 We got to dress up as something beginning with P. 138 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,440 What are you going as? 139 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,560 I don't dress up. I'd look like a dick. 140 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,320 Cool as. Cool as. 141 00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,920 What's Becky dressing up as? 142 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,240 - A policewoman. - Policewoman? 143 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,280 Yep. 144 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,640 - Can I...? - Not that kind of policewoman. 145 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,520 Oh, shit. 146 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,480 I've learned a magic trick. 147 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,320 Magic trick? 148 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,920 Lock up your daughters. 149 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,800 I'm going to buy a cape and perform it for Anita. 150 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,200 Do you think that will work? 151 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,440 What? 152 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,520 Nothing. 153 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,520 - What? - Nothing! 154 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,000 You look lovely, come on. 155 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,480 Steve? 156 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,480 Nothing! You look lovely! 157 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,160 Not looking at anything. 158 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,560 I'm not looking at anything either. 159 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,640 I'm looking at my phone. 160 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,160 Okay, good. 161 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,760 My spot burst. 162 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,160 - Did it? - Really? 163 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,480 I didn't notice. 164 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,840 It's gone a bit bloody. 165 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,880 Can you see it? 166 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,160 Oh, yeah. 167 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,720 Now you mention it, it's just... 168 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,160 I'll clear it up. 169 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,440 Don't bother, it's fine. Just hurry up. 170 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,240 I've been ready for an hour. 171 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,080 It's like she physically can't hurry up. 172 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,320 Yeah, women. 173 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,760 Can I do anything else for you, Dan? 174 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,120 No, no. 175 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,800 Ooh, a visitor. 176 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,080 Right. You're staying, are you? 177 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,080 Your call is in a queue and will be answered 178 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,520 as soon as one of our advisors becomes available... 179 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,280 - Hi, Laura. - Paul's not happy, Steve. 180 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,400 You were meant to bring the sausage rolls over an hour ago. 181 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,800 You're taking liberties. 182 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,200 What? 183 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,840 You look nice. 184 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,400 Thank you, Steve. I'm meant to be a prostitute. 185 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,200 Done a good job of that. 186 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,920 It's very accurate. 187 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,880 Why aren't you answering Paul's calls? 188 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:05,440 I'm on hold, I can't hang up now. 189 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,200 Somebody's stealing money from me. 190 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,760 There's no sausage rolls at the party, Steve. 191 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,880 What kind of party doesn't have any sausage rolls? 192 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,200 It's like a riddle. 193 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,720 I'm ready, okay? It's Becky that's holding everyone up. 194 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,120 I'm not holding anyone up. 195 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,560 I just want to look nice for little Lukey. 196 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,680 - You all right, Becks? - Yeah, nearly ready. 197 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,320 Paul's going mad over there. 198 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,440 - Yeah? -Yeah, he's been getting 199 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,840 all uppity, threatening his uncle. 200 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,520 You saw him at Bonfire Night. 201 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,240 You know how he gets. 202 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,480 No, no, no! That's my toothbrush. 203 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,840 Well... you can always use this. 204 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,480 When are you going to get yourself another one? 205 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,360 It's your own fault for biting it. 206 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,040 Why do you bite it? 207 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,080 You're the same with Polos, you're like a dog. 208 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,160 I'm brushing my teeth! Why do you do that? 209 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,640 - What? - Talk to me when 210 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,200 I'm brushing my teeth? It's so annoying. 211 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:17,120 - You're so annoying. - Oh, very good. Very witty. 212 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,960 - Just get ready. - I am ready! 213 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,720 See you in a bit, Laur. 214 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,240 Are you ready? 215 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,360 What are you going as? 216 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,640 This. 217 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,720 A pedophile? 218 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,200 No, of course not! 219 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,000 What-- What do you mean, a pedophile? 220 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,840 Your top button's done up. 221 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,600 Uh, it's trendy. 222 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,920 It's pedophilic, Steve. 223 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,600 God's sake. 224 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,480 I'm not dressing up. 225 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,880 I'm sorry, you're dressing up, Steve. I'm Paul's fiancée. 226 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,200 Luke had leukemia, and at the end of the day, he's a hero 227 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,040 and if he wants you to dress up as something beginning with P, 228 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,240 then you're going to dress up as something beginning with P. 229 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:57,720 Do you know what I'm saying? 230 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,640 Yes, Laura. I know what you're saying. 231 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,560 Thank you. 232 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,480 Notice anything different about me? 233 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,400 Laura reckons I've got to dress up. 234 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,360 Told you. 235 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,720 I don't even like Luke! 236 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,520 Steve, he almost died. 237 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,280 He's a little shit. 238 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,560 Do you remember when he pitched my tit? 239 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,080 Yeah, the little shit. And he spat on me. 240 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,160 He's an ugly little bastard, too. 241 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,120 - Your hair? - No. 242 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,160 Have you lost weight? 243 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,040 No, I'm trying, but I keep eating. 244 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,080 - It's my glasses. - What about them? 245 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,120 Not wearing any? 246 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:55,640 Do you wear glasses? 247 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,040 I've got contacts. 248 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,680 Ah. 249 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,000 Pick a card. 250 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:11,520 His eyebrows went wobbly. He sang it at the funeral. 251 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,600 "Candle in the Wind." 252 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,360 I don't know it! Leave me alone. 253 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,560 Your call will be answered 254 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,720 as soon as one of our advisors becomes available. 255 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,320 To make sure we're giving you the best service we can, 256 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,840 your call may be monitored to help us with training. 257 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,720 Will you scratch my back for me? 258 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,760 Come here. 259 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,480 Is it... 260 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,960 ...two of spades? 261 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,240 Yeah. 262 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,040 That's incredible. How'd you do it? 263 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,480 It's, er... It's magic. 264 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,600 But seriously, how'd you do it? 265 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,000 - Magic. - No, but seriously. 266 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,600 Honestly, I'm magic. 267 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:03,800 Really? 268 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,080 Down a bit, down a bit, to the left. 269 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,880 Oh, that's it, that's it. 270 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,440 Keep going, keep going. 271 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,240 Up a bit. 272 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,520 What about that? You could go as a pirate. 273 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,280 Everyone's going to go as a pirate. 274 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,320 Can you move things with your eyes? 275 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,600 Yep. 276 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,600 - Can you? - Yeah! 277 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,440 Can you make it, like... How can I put it? 278 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,440 Could you make everything in a room hover? 279 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,600 Yeah. 280 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,800 Apart from the floor? 281 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,520 Certainly, yeah. 282 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,480 - You're taking the piss. - No, I'm not. 283 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,200 - Is it free booze? - Hope so. 284 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,800 He's beaten cancer. 285 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,000 That's a free-booze situation, isn't it? 286 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,240 You'd think so. 287 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,520 Could you just scratch it all over? 288 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,400 To make sure we're giving you the best service 289 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,520 we can, your call may be monitored 290 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:05,600 to help us with training. 291 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,200 Ooh. 292 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,560 Could you... 293 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,440 Could you bring back someone from the dead? 294 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,840 Yep. 295 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,360 Could you make it rain indoors? 296 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,880 Absolutely. 297 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,600 25th March, 1986. 298 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,720 E17, 6NM. 299 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,880 N for Nicholas, M for Marcus. 300 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,440 Mrs. Doubtfire. 301 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,520 Janet Brophy. 302 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,520 - You all right? - Yeah. 303 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,280 Did you know Dan's... 304 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,360 I don't know... 305 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,640 He said he could... 306 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,920 He's got this pack of cards, and he reckons 307 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,320 he's got these abilities to... 308 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,200 Oh, I don't know now. 309 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,240 Sounds silly to say it out loud, but... 310 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,640 So you got your prostitute clothes in the end? 311 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:13,400 Yeah. Yeah, I got the top off Shelly, and the skirt, 312 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,840 I got that off Shelly as well, and the shoes, 313 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,520 I got it all off Shelly. 314 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,800 Do you have a phone number for Shelly? 315 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,080 No, Dan. 316 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,880 Come and help me with a fringe wash. 317 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,560 What's a fringe wash? 318 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,160 Haven't I told you about the fringe wash? 319 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,680 Oh, my God, you're going to love it. 320 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,520 ♪ Snookering you ♪ 321 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,880 ♪ Snookering you ♪ 322 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,560 ♪ Snookering you tonight ♪ 323 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,200 It's like a strimmer for a hedge. 324 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,560 I don't even own a hedge. Why would I...? 325 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,280 ♪ Big break ♪ 326 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,200 For God's sake! 327 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,600 Put me on hold again! 328 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,200 Have you ever actually seen a dog chase a cat? 329 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,160 Do you reckon you're in the way at all, Dan? 330 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,560 Pick a card. 331 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,320 Why have you got a pack of cards on you? 332 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,200 I just happen to have them on me. 333 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,760 Steve's doing my head in. 334 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,640 Keeps going on about this song by Elton John, 335 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:07,840 "Candle in the Wind." 336 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,680 Do you know it? 337 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,040 - Yeah, of course. - Do you?! 338 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,080 Yeah, of course. 339 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,880 ♪ And it seems to me you lived your life ♪ 340 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,480 ♪ Like a candle in the wind ♪ 341 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,720 - Oh, that? - Yeah. 342 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,880 Of course I know it. 343 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,280 That's embarrassing. 344 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,400 Is it... 345 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,400 Ten of diamonds? 346 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,000 Yes. 347 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,680 How do you do that? 348 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,440 - It's magic. - Don't be a dick. Just tell me. 349 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,920 A magician never reveals his secrets. 350 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,800 Tell me or get out of my flat. 351 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,360 I've spent the past week learning the order of the cards, 352 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,800 so when you pick out a card, 353 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,480 I know what it is from its position in the pack. 354 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,520 You've spent a week doing that? 355 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,400 Yeah, it gave me headaches. 356 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,920 But Anita likes Derren Brown, so, you know. 357 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,120 Luke's so brave. He's really cute. 358 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,840 He's dressed as a Pharaoh. 359 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,920 Doesn't that begin with...? Oh, yeah. 360 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:16,240 Yeah. And Luke's mum, Natalie, the slut, she got... 361 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,320 She got in this massive cake shaped like the pyramids, 362 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:25,320 and he threw it at this girl, and she was covered in it, 363 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,040 and she started crying, and everyone was laughing. 364 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,200 It was mad. - So, did you see, Laura? 365 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,800 I've just washed my fringe, but it looks like 366 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,960 I've washed my whole hair. 367 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,920 That's amazing, Becks. You should sell it. 368 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,400 Sell the fringe wash? 369 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,320 Yeah. You could make a fortune out of that. 370 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,320 - Do you think? -Yeah. 371 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,160 Who'd buy it? 372 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,440 Busy people, women, busy women. 373 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,000 It's how the Body Shop started. 374 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,080 Yeah. 375 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,040 Four of hearts. 376 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,440 Oh, my God! 377 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,520 Three of spades. 378 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,200 Dan, seriously. 379 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,680 Please remember, we can only help you 380 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,160 with a billing enquiry... 381 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,880 King of clubs. 382 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,480 Dan, this is no way to spend your twenties. 383 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,280 You don't have to wash it all. 384 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,640 Have you been washing your hair? 385 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,600 - See? - That's amazing. 386 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,320 I just did the fringe. 387 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,880 You are supposed to be hurrying up, not washing your hair! 388 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,000 So where do you reckon I could buy a cape? 389 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,720 Debenhams? 390 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,760 Oh, God, that's Paul. 391 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,480 We're going to get some bubbly to do a toast, 392 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,080 but otherwise, you have to pay for your own drinks. 393 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,120 That's annoying. 394 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,360 Have you seen my phone? 395 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,520 Um, you're holding it, Beck. 396 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,960 What a dick. 397 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,360 Paul's here. 398 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,640 Answer the fucking door, Steve! 399 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,160 Steve! 400 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,520 Hello, Paul, mate. You all right? 401 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,800 Where the fuck are the sausage rolls? 402 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,280 My little boy is going mental. 403 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,080 There's a whole fucking party going on, 404 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,080 and there's not one single sausage roll. 405 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,080 Wow, Paul, I like your costume. 406 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,720 - Thank you. - It's quite a costume, Paul. 407 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,000 Thank you. It's Postman Pat. 408 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,560 Luke likes him. He's got the duvet. 409 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,360 Mum's dressed as Mrs. Goggins. 410 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,440 - That doesn't begin with P. - Fuck off! 411 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:48,960 Now where are the sausage rolls? 412 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,840 You had it in your hand, Becks! 413 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,600 I know! 414 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,600 You idiot. 415 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,320 I've been ready for nearly two hours. 416 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,160 So what are you dressed as? A pillock? 417 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,400 No, I thought I'd go as myself. 418 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,560 Yeah, that's what I said-- a pillock. 419 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,000 Sorry, it's just my sense of humor. 420 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,080 Are you seriously going as yourself? 421 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,760 Yeah, I thought I'd go as myself 422 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,920 and not get dressed up, and instead... 423 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,960 - I don't... - ...instead honor Luke 424 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,560 by putting on my best shirt. 425 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,120 - It is a nice shirt. -I don't 426 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,720 fucking believe this! 427 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,400 You don't bring the sausage rolls, I come in here, 428 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,120 and you're shitting about in your own clothes 429 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,640 when there's a whole section of a Witherspoon's roped off. 430 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,400 They've put balloons up. 431 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,160 They've let us smoke, and it's full of adults and children, 432 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:46,120 all trying, like, trying, Steve, trying as hard as they can 433 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,040 to dress up as something beginning with P. 434 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,440 Oh, sorry, I got-- Ooh, got to take this. 435 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,200 I'm reporting a fraud. 436 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,080 No, let me get that for you, mate. 437 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,200 Fuck yourself! 438 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:01,240 Oh, no! They're going to think that was me! 439 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,080 They're going to put that in my records. 440 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:07,120 Steve, Luke is my kid, and my kid loves sausage rolls. 441 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,200 You should have seen his face when he couldn't find one. 442 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,320 Smashed a window with his head. 443 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,720 - Oh, no. - On his special day. 444 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,640 - I'm really sorry... - You've got a toy parrot. 445 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,360 I've played with it in this very flat. 446 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,720 You could have come as a pirate. 447 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,840 That's exactly what I said, isn't it? 448 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,360 What about her? She's not dressed up. 449 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,400 - I'm a policewoman, Steve. - You've put on a hat. 450 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,200 Policewoman's hat. 451 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,440 You're wearing what you wore last night. 452 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,120 Steve, she's clearly dressed as a policewoman. 453 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,680 Anyone can see that. She's made the effort, Steve, 454 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,800 because she is a decent human being 455 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,320 and she's not some lazy, shit-eating piece of shit. 456 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,760 You haven't even got a TV licence. 457 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,840 Why are you bringing that up? 458 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,800 - Cos it really annoys me. - She's lazier than I am. 459 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,320 - No, I'm not. - I'm the one that goes 460 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:54,640 and gets everything. 461 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:55,920 I'm always going down the chip shop. 462 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,640 I wonder why. 463 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,040 I've seen you with the girls in there with your 464 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,520 horrible little grin. 465 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,360 At least she's got a heart, Steve. 466 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,720 At least she's got a heart. 467 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,920 Yeah? At least I've heard of "Candle in the Wind." 468 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:10,400 What are you talking about? I've heard of it. 469 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,920 You liar! 470 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,680 Course I've heard of it. 471 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,240 Everyone's heard of it. It's one of the best songs of all time. 472 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,760 We're thinking of having it as our first dance. 473 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,520 Stop trying to be a prick, Steve. 474 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,120 - You haven't made an effort. -Exactly. 475 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,640 It's atrocious. I mean, look at Paul. 476 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,640 He's made the effort. He's got a sack. 477 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,640 What's in the sack, Paul? 478 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,440 Letters. 479 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,120 You see? 480 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,280 He's a postman. He'd have letters. 481 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,560 And in the bag? 482 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,720 Jess. 483 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,320 Oh, come on, that's funny. 484 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:52,960 He's got letters and a Jess. 485 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,800 Luke's just gone through a matter of life and death, 486 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,600 and you're standing there laughing at him. 487 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,520 - Whoa, I wasn't laughing at him. - Yes, you were. 488 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,000 I was laughing at Jess. 489 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,840 And it's not my fault we're late, okay? 490 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,200 Becky's been doing her make-up, washing her hair... 491 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,640 It was a fringe wash, Steve. 492 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,000 A fringe wash. 493 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,480 What's a fringe wash all of a sudden? 494 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:10,800 My little boy is a hero! 495 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,720 He beat cancer at the age of 6. 496 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,280 What were you doing at the age of 6? 497 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,880 Playing with your dad's dick? 498 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,720 Sucking yourself off? - Okay, Paul, that's enough. 499 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,720 - Luke's blood cells were fucked. - Okay, Paul. 500 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,960 Now, you get in there, and you dress up 501 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,440 as a fucking python or something, because otherwise... 502 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,240 Okay, Paul, I said that's enough. 503 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,240 You're being aggressive. - No, I'm not! 504 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,440 If Steve doesn't want to dress as something beginning with P, 505 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,320 then Steve won't dress as something beginning with P. 506 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,160 Okay? 507 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,680 Paul's mum's going as Mrs. Goggins. 508 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,760 That doesn't begin with P. 509 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,800 Oh, he hasn't even heated them up! 510 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,160 I'll see you there. 511 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,520 Oh, my God. 512 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,400 He forgot Jess. 513 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,400 Jess. 514 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,000 I've got him. 515 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,480 Come on, Dan, time for you to go, as well. 516 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,360 Haven't got my cards. 517 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,680 Yes, I have. Phew. 518 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,520 Bye, then. 519 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,960 I don't have a horrible little grin, do I? 520 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:42,800 Yeah, course. 521 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,320 You look like a rapist. 522 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:48,920 Did you get through to HSBC? 523 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,720 Nah, couldn't be bothered. 524 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,320 I'll try again tomorrow. 525 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,800 - Guess we'd better go, then. - Yeah. 526 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,560 We are properly late. 527 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,640 Yeah, we are. 528 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,480 Yep, I think Paul will actually 529 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,680 kill me if I don't get there soon. 530 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:22,840 Yeah, he will. 531 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,160 He was proper angry. 532 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,880 - Yeah, we should definitely go. - Yes. 533 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,840 We must. 534 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,600 You have to pay for your drinks. 535 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,240 - Really? - Yeah. 536 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,560 No free bar? 537 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,560 Nope. 538 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,880 Shall we just stay in and have sex? 539 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,000 Yeah, fuck it. 540 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,160 ♪ Come closer and cuddle me tight ♪ 541 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,880 ♪ My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang ♪ 542 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,040 ♪ When you are near ♪ 543 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,080 ♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time ♪ 544 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,920 ♪ It's such a lovely feeling ♪ 545 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:17,080 ♪ When I'm in your arms ♪ 546 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,440 ♪ The way I want to stay ♪ 547 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,400 ♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang close to you ♪